I’m not cut out for this.
Somewhere between the time I said “Sure!” to these Maid of Honor requests, and today, my life was… normal. Or at least, as normal as it could be. I had the kind of job that blessed me with a reliable social life, I was in a relationship and my family life was semi-stable. All at once that changed.
My mom went into a series of hospital visits. My three year long relationship ended. And I started my career. Not a new job, but a career. And for those of you that don’t follow my regular blog I didn’t exactly start a life long journey in something 9-5ish. I jumped head first into the entertainment industry. I became an associate field producer for an Emmy award winning daytime TV talk show. This formula created something completely chaotic that changed who I was and who my friends and family had known me to be.
I became the biggest flake.
Not exactly a good thing when you’re maid of honor for two upcoming weddings. There are restaurants to book, favors to find and dresses to have altered. When the change came I suddenly, and whole heartedly, sucked. At all of it. Like very badly sucked. The bride of the October wedding lucked out in the fact that she picked an awesome Matron of Honor who stepped up and pretty much handled everything on her own. And me? I sat aside with absolutely no time to contribute to the cause and instead wrote checks as my sole contribution. It makes me feel pretty shitty. But this is my life now. And ironically this does in some way connect to my future with marriage… or without it.
I’ve come to know several women in the production business and 85% of them are in their 30s or 40s without a husband or children. They love their careers and maybe it’s been their priority to keep their lives outside of work conducive to the craziness that is this business. In only four weeks I’ve learned that scale of balance is a constant slippery slope. Prior to joining this world my interaction with the idea of marriage was based solely on my own inhibitions. Now I’ve gone and thrown something completely extra into the mix. What’s more important? Living a life that makes me reliable and allows me the time to foster relationships while having me bored out of my mind with 8 hours of every day that passes me by, or enjoying what I do for a living and being given the satisfaction that my hard work actually means something to me, but losing a grip on pretty much everything else? How do you choose? How do you mesh?
Maybe this is early speak. Maybe by the time next April comes and the weddings have all wrapped up I’ll have figured it out. Or maybe I’ll just be further away from a planned future than I am now. Maybe I’ll have found a way to settle down for good. Or maybe I’ll go weeks without sleep and recover on Caribbean islands (when I can afford it) before returning to the grind. Maybe nothing will be much different than it is right now.
Regardless of where I end up I hope those who I have let down know that I have not done so with ill intentions. That I love them for being my friends, but that I hope they understand this is what I need to do. Right now, and maybe for always. Because what light can I bring to other’s worlds if mine is filled with glumness?